


This Simon is Comin' Home!

by clgfanfic



Category: Simon and Simon (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clgfanfic/pseuds/clgfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little Vietnam humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Simon is Comin' Home!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the zine Our Favorite Things #6 and later in Black Ops #5 under the pen name Lynn Gill.

DANANG AIR BASE, SOUTH VIETNAM

 

Issued in solemn warning, this 23rd  day of June , 1972,

to the friends, relatives and neighbors of Richard Simon .

 

          In the very near future the undersigned will once again be in your midst, de-hydrated, de-Americanized and de-moralized; ready once more to take his place as a human being with the well known forms of Freedom and Justice for all.  He will be anxious to engage in Life, Liberty and a somewhat delayed pursuit of Happiness.

          In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back into a respectable and organized society, you might wish to take certain steps (and make certain allowances for the crude environment which has been his miserable lot for the past   26   months).  In a word, he may be somewhat Asiatic, suffering from Vietnamitis and maybe too much Ba-Muoi-Ba-Beer, and should be handled with care.  A little time in the 'Land of the Golden Arches' should cure his maladies.

          With this in mind, we would like to suggest that you show no sign of alarm if he insists on carrying a weapon to the dinner table or looks around for his steel helmet when offered a chair.  Do not comment if he picks at his food suspiciously, pours gravy over his dessert, or mixes Seagrams V.O. with his sliced peaches.  And, please, pretend not to notice if he eats with his fingers instead of the silverware or requests boneless chicken C-Rations.  Above all, avoid any mention of: powdered eggs, dehydrated or reconstituted potatoes, fried rice, fresh milk or ice cream.

          He may prefer to squat rather than sit for a time and might pad around in thong sandals and a towel.  Do not panic if he wakes you up in the middle of the night for guard duty or shyly offers to sell cigarettes to the postman.  Be tolerant if he tries to buy everything at half price, and accuses the grocer of being a thief.  For a time, please refrain from taking him to restaurants as he'd most likely swat the waitress hard on the tush and yell, "Hey, you number-one!"

          Remain calm if he hears a siren, climbs under the bed, and, once it passes, gets dressed and tells you that he is going to the Armory for his

weapon.  If it should rain, pay no attention if he pulls off his clothes, grabs a bar of soap and heads outside for a shower.  Humor him if he refuses to enter any establishment that doesn't have steel mesh screens over the doors and windows, and take it with a smile if he insists on digging up the front yard to fill sand bags for the bunker he is building in his bedroom.  Furthermore, be understanding if he takes his blanket and sheet off the bed and puts them on the floor to sleep.  Also, within a short time his profanity will decrease enough to permit him to associate with mixed sex groups.  He will be speaking English as good as ever before you know it.

          Do not let it shock you if he picks up the telephone and yells "Working," or says "Roger and Out" for good-bye, or when in daily conversation, he utters such things as "Sin Loi," and "Chieu Hoi."  Just be patient, and please, leave quickly and quietly if he happens to utter "di di mau" with an irritated look on his face (it means no less than "get the hell out of here").

          The following should be overlooked if possible, since they can produce an advanced state of shock: people dancing, TV, and "round eyed women" (be extremely watchful when he is in the presence of women... especially beautiful women).  Make no flattering remarks about the exotic Southeast Asia, avoid the mention of benefits (benies), overseas duty, and, above all else, make no mention of the word "Extend."  Reference to any of the latter items might trigger an awesome display of violence.

          Keep in mind at all times that beneath that tanned and rugged exterior beats a heart of gold.  Treat him with kindness, tolerance and an occasional fifth of good liquor and you will be able to rehabilitate what once was the happy-go-lucky guy you knew and loved.

          Last, but by no means least, send no more mail to the AFO, fill the refrigerator with beer, get the civvies out of the mothballs, fill the car with gas and get the women and children off the streets because… THIS SIMON IS COMING HOME!

 

DaNang, VIETNAM[1]

 

  


* * *

[1]  Offered to you by Lynn Gill, who used the real thing.  Only the name has been changed!


End file.
